riding the waves of jealousy🏄🏻💔
Self-Love Rx, anyone?
Your sweetie is talking to a hot stranger at the bar. You’re weary of your partner’s unusual enthusiasm around a new co-worker. Multiple men approach your lady in public to tell her how beautiful she is and it makes her blush. Your primary partner in the poly-cule is spending more time than usual with their other mate. Your boyfriend and his closest female friend have a level of emotional intimacy established that seems non-existent between you two. You don’t like the way your SO looked at their “childhood friend”. You wonder why Bae is engaging with a social media influencer that much.
Whatever the scenario, we all duke it out with this sneaky green eyed monster from time to time. It’s a universal experience! Even the most secure and confident individual will experience jealousy from time to time. This complex emotion can unexpectedly surface in various aspects of our lives, challenging our sense of security, self-confidence and mojo jojo.
Jealousy is like hot sauce - a little kick can spice things up, but too much will have you crying and reaching for the milk. The trick is finding that sweet spot where you're showing you care without going full-on crazy pants (and i’m not talking about the ones on sale).
But how to navigate jealousy — without ripping your hairs out and unintentionally hurting yourself and your SO in the process?
Understanding jealousy:
On one hand, jealousy is that little voice saying, "Hey, this person's mine, beat it buster!" which can actually make partners go, "Aww, they really care!" (if you like that kind of claiming).
I personally find this endearing because it’s really a fear of loss — usually of something of great personal value, like human connection.
In this case, ours. *I’m blushing!*
But on the flip side??? It can turn into a green-eyed Hulk that gobbles up trust faster than you can say:
Before you know it, you're playing detective, snooping through phones, and side-eyeing every person who dares to breathe near your partner. (wtf am i doing?! this isn’t even like me!!!)
Because while it is natural human emotion, excessive or irrational jealousy can be detrimental to relationships and personal well-being. Like the type of insecurity that leads to possessiveness, suspicion, and explosive emotional reactions.
Attachment Styles and Their Impact on Jealousy
Attachment styles, developed in early childhood, can significantly influence how individuals experience and express jealousy in adult relationships.
However, it's important to approach these attachment styles with nuance. While understanding them can offer valuable insights into jealousy patterns, it's worth noting that individuals can exhibit different styles depending on the specific relationship dynamic and life circumstances.
My hot take is that we're capable of displaying traits from all these styles situationally throughout our lives, rather than being rigidly confined to a single category. Still a good idea to become familiar with them:
Secure Attachment: Individuals with secure attachment generally experience less intense jealousy and are better equipped to communicate their feelings constructively.
Anxious Attachment: People with anxious attachment may be more prone to jealousy, often stemming from fear of abandonment and need for constant reassurance.
Avoidant Attachment: Those with avoidant attachment might suppress jealous feelings or use them as a reason to create emotional distance in relationships.
Disorganized Attachment: Individuals with disorganized attachment may experience unpredictable and intense jealousy, often struggling to manage these emotions effectively.
Recognizing your attachment style(s) and working towards a more secure attachment can help in managing jealousy and fostering healthier relationships. This may involve self-reflection, therapy, 1-1 relationship & intimacy coaching or conscious efforts to change relationship patterns.
Other Factors Contributing to Jealousy
While attachment styles can play a significant role in jealousy, several other factors can contribute to its development and intensity:
Low self-esteem: Individuals with poor self-image may be more prone to jealousy, doubting their worthiness of love and fearing replacement. Working with a coach can help foster a healthier relationship with self.
Past experiences: Previous betrayals or infidelity can heighten sensitivity to potential threats in current relationships. Valid!
Cultural and social norms: Societal expectations and cultural beliefs about relationships can influence jealousy levels and expressions. It’s a bag of skittles out here.
Personality traits: Certain personality characteristics, such as neuroticism or a tendency towards anxiety, may predispose individuals to jealousy. We all have demons to contend with, you’re not alone!
Relationship dynamics: Power imbalances, lack of trust, or poor communication within the relationship can foster jealousy. Again, a relationship coach can significantly help.
Evolutionary factors: Some theories suggest that jealousy has evolutionary roots as a mate-retention strategy. “Jealous behavior can discourage philandering or desertion by a mate—saving men from being cuckolded and bolstering the family unit.”
Even nature experiences jealousy! 👇🏼
“The Big J hunts other creatures too, as primatologist Jane Goodall reports. Passion, a female chimp living in Tanzania, tipped her buttocks toward a young male in the typical “come hither” pose. He ignored her; and soon began to court another, Pom. Incensed, Passion slapped him hard.
Jealousy can be even more dangerous: Take bluebirds. While the cock was away, anthropologist David Barash placed a stuffed male bluebird on a branch about three feet from where his “wife” was settled in their nest. When the resident returned, he began to squawk, hover and snap his bill in fury at the dummy. Then he attacked his “spouse,” pulling some primary feathers from her wing. Wife beating by a jealous male bluebird? She fled.”
Helen Fisher
Somatic Practices for Self-Healing When Navigating Jealousy:
When jealousy strikes, it's not just in your head - your body feels it too! Here are some somatic practices to help you self-heal, alchemize these feels and navigate those tricky jealous feelings:
Deep breathing: Take slow, deep breaths from your diaphragm. This can help calm your nervous system and reduce the physical tension that often accompanies jealousy.
Progressive muscle relaxation: Systematically tense and then relax different muscle groups in your body. This can help release physical stress and promote a sense of calm.
Grounding exercises: Focus on physical sensations to bring yourself back to the present moment. Try the 5-4-3-2-1 technique: name 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, and 1 you can taste.
Mindful body scan: Slowly move your attention through different parts of your body, noticing any sensations without judgment. This can help you become more aware of how jealousy manifests physically.
Expressive movement or creative expression: Dance, shake, or move your body in ways that feel natural to express and release the energy of jealousy.
Heart-centered meditation: Place your hand on your heart and focus on sending love and compassion to yourself. This can help counteract the negative self-talk often associated with jealousy.
Whenever possible and as often as possible, be gentle. With yourself, your inner child and your SO’s. Jealousy isn’t something to overcome, but rather, build a conscious and patient relationship with.
I wish you all yummy loving.
Con Amor,
Kat𓍯𓂃𓏧♡
ᝰ.ᐟWhat’s Alive:
Currently listening: Madonna - Like A Virgin album on vinyl
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Currently re-reading: Prerequisites to Ecstasy: A No-Nonsense Guide to What It Really Takes to Create the Love and Sex We Say We Want
Currently obsessing over: My bike! We’re finally reunited! I had her locked up in LA at a storage for way too long and now we riding all ova Miami Beach :’)
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